Herewith, Flavor Ice freezer pops, ranked from worst to best:
Blue: First of all, it stains your everything, second of all, raspberries are not blue. I’m happy to have my cherry-flavored items have an unnatural Red Dye # 5 look, but this just pushes the boundaries of realism. Third of all, blue raspberry anything reminds me of naughty boys from the ‘80s, and while I can’t quite explain what I mean by that, I also can’t get behind this flavor. Bottom of the heap.
Red: I think my problem with this is akin to my problem with Crystal Clear Pepsi. BRIGHT RED ITEMS SHOULD TASTE LIKE CHERRY. Strawberry should be pink. Every time I bite into one of these I’m just not sure what I’m eating, and I like clarity in my faux-fruit-flavored desserts. I’m just not getting that here. Additionally, I definitely hold red/strawberry accountable for the gaping absence of a cherry-flavored Flavor Ice pop.
Purple: Meh? Grape was always my brother’s favorite flavor growing up, and I never quite got it. I feel like it’s kinda watery and isn’t really bringing much to the table. I’m not super happy when it’s the only one left in the freezer, but I guess I’m not super sad either. Purple is kinda like a boring, inoffensive acquaintance I could take or leave. Blah.
Orange: Okay, now things are starting to get good. It’s sweet, it’s refreshing, its name and its flavor are the same word (talk about clarity)….all this adds up to a big win for orange. This one just reminds me of summers in my childhood; it’s a classic for a reason. Yummy!
Pink: GAH! This one is so hard for me. It flies a bit in the face of my “Strawberry should be pink and not red” argument, but I think a little (or blatant) discrepancy is allowed in Flavor Ice-based conversations. Pink in this case is fruit punch, a way underrated and underutilized flavor in the general candy/dessert column. Flavor Ice brings its A Game to this sickeningly sweet concoction and if you want to taste it yourself, you’ll have to pry it from my death grip. So good.
Green: LIME! All hail the greatest fruit flavor of all time. I can’t tell you the amount of rage I feel when I sink my teeth into a green-colored something-or-other and it turns out to be “sour apple.” SCREW YOU, SOUR APPLE! Ew! Green should always, always be lime, and the strict adherence to this delicious rule earns the green Flavor Ice pop top ranking in my books. KEEP YOUR GRUBBY MITTS OFF, GEORGE!
Agree, disagree? Let me know below. (Except you, George. I know that for you, blue is the king of the mountain, and for that I simultaneously love you and deeply question your judgment.)